An LDS perspective on moving from childless to childfree living.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

I'm Not Ready for That

The LDS Church is run by lay clergy and volunteers from within the congregations.  Every member is given a calling to assist in running each ward or stake.

On Sunday, someone in the bishopric asked to talk to me.  I have a calling as ward organist.  This calling is very easy for me and doesn't require much time out of attending church and playing the organ.  The bishopric said they couldn't have someone else play the organ and wanted me to have a second calling.  I have no problem with that.  Then he said something about having a hard time staffing in Primary, the organization for children ages 18 months to 11 years old.  I thought it would be to play the piano for singing time, but it wasn't.  He wanted me to teach the Sunbeams class, the 3-year-olds. 

Out of nowhere, my eyes welled up with tears and I said, "I'm not ready for that."  He said he understood and was aware of our struggle to become parents.  I feel badly, because we are taught we should accept any calling that comes to us.

Just when I think I am fine with our decision, and I really am, something like this happens, and I realize I am still mourning the loss of the children I will not have.

7 comments:

  1. Hugs. You didn't turn it down. You said honestly, "I'm not ready for that." You're allowed to mourn. You're allowed to unexpectedly find things hard.

    Though personally, I think asking you to help a class of three-year-olds was particularly ... unthinking. And therefore, it's not you who should feel badly about your honest, heartfelt reaction.

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  2. I hope this comment doesn't offend, but I tend to think of a "calling" as something I, personally, feel called or compelled to do. Not something that someone else thinks I should do (even if it's something that person believes they have been divinely inspired to ask of you), and even if it's for the good of the broader community. You certainly should not be asked or expected to do something you really don't feel ready or able to do. (((hugs)))

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  3. I was a sub for a Sunbeams class one Sunday and the most important lesson was in a class full of girls, you have to have more than one pink marker or all hell breaks loose until snack time! I am a single LDS mother and though I cannot relate to infertility, I will be a surrogate (hopefully to an LDS couple) as soon as I have this baby January 2016. I want to understand the emotional struggle and heartache of infertility that many couples go through. It can be harder in the Mormon church. Your story is very inspiring and I wish you many blessings.

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  4. I was a sub for a Sunbeams class one Sunday and the most important lesson was in a class full of girls, you have to have more than one pink marker or all hell breaks loose until snack time! I am a single LDS mother and though I cannot relate to infertility, I will be a surrogate (hopefully to an LDS couple) as soon as I have this baby January 2016. I want to understand the emotional struggle and heartache of infertility that many couples go through. It can be harder in the Mormon church. Your story is very inspiring and I wish you many blessings.

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  5. I came across your page by pure accident. Actually, with Heavenly Father there isn't anything "pure accident." I too am a 40-something daughter of God. My first marriage I was married for 17 years, never baring children of my own. Tho' I raised two remarkable children who I do call my own. I am now in a new chapter of my life, remarried, raising children again (10yo & 3yo), wanting one of my own and have this lack of faith that I won't be able, even tho' my PB states I will. Tears in my eyes, I know your heartache and so understand that the struggle is real. Thoughts and prayers your way. *hugs*

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  6. I know exactly what you mean with the sunbeams. That was the one calling I have ever asked to be released from. I noticed that you have a link for websites and didn't know if you had ever found http://childlessmormonsupport.com/. It is a wonderful site full of support. We have a facebook group and everything! As one who also has struggled with the failed hopes of ever having children please know you are not alone.

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