An LDS perspective on moving from childless to childfree living.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

It's a Girl!

More about our journey.

About a week after our adoption approval, my SIL called to talk to DH.  Our BIL is bishop of his ward and had a member of the ward come to him about an employee he had whose girlfriend was PG, and they were looking to place the baby for adoption.  The member wanted my BIL to help connect them with LDS Family Services.  Instead, they called us to ask if we were interested.

Over the next couple of weeks, we went back and forth through my BIL, but that became cumbersome, so the member, who was also an attorney, started talking directly to us.  The couple, A and C, were expecting a baby girl the end of July.  They actually did talk to LDS Family Services, but did not sign up with them.  We started contact via email with A and C.  We decided to meet at a public library.

The meeting went very well, and while they were quite different from us, they seemed ready to proceed.  C let me feel the baby move, which I hadn't done for years and have not done since.  As we were walking out together, A told DH that they wanted $5,000 for the baby.  DH said he would look into it.  As we left, DH commented that he felt C was carrying our baby.  We had been told this happens when we went to the adoption training classes, and we didn't believe it!  Now we felt it, and we understood.

We asked questions of our SW and then retained an attorney who specializes in family law with an emphasis on adoption.  He drew up preliminary paperwork and he worked with A and C's attorney, A's boss, on our paying for living expenses.  We paid rent, utilities, and groceries for May and June.  I was able to attend a couple of doctor appointments with C and heard the baby's heartbeat.  We talked about the types of activities C had been involved in and what she would like for her baby girl.

DH's family knew about the match since we found A and C through our BIL.  I told my mom the end of June, and she and I went to register at Babies R Us.  This was the only time my mom has been able to do that since my brother lives out of state.  We looked at everything, and I did purchase a stroller/car seat combination.  I knew we would need a car seat to bring the baby home, and everything else we could buy at the last minute.

We had previously scheduled a vacation for the last week of July.  Now that we had a baby due July 30, we changed the vacation to the first week of July.  A and C knew where we were going, had our cell phone numbers, and they were going to call if C went into labor while we were gone, and we would come home immediately.  We were about a 6-hour drive away.

After we returned from vacation, A and C quit answering phone calls, text messages, or emails from us, our attorney, or their attorney.  A did not show up to work.  Our attorney called their attorney.  He hadn't heard anything.  On July 20, our attorney called to say their attorney saw on FB that C had the baby July 17 and it looked like they were going to parent.  We were devastated!  A called us on the baby's due date, July 30, to tell us that C had decided to keep the baby, he wasn't happy about it, and they had been fighting over it. 

The next thing we knew, they had moved to another state to live with A's mom, taking with them the baby we felt was ours.  DH and I have talked a lot about this and feel that this experience jaded our future attempts to find an adoption match.  To this day, DH believes they left with our baby.


10 comments:

  1. How old is this baby now?

    I am so sorry to read this...

    hugs!

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    1. Hi Klara,

      This event happened in 2009. The little girl would have turned 4 in July. It is still painful, and we believe, one of the reasons we had a wall up, so to speak when other opportunities came our way.

      Jen

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  2. "Just adopt," indeed. :p I am so sorry you had to go through this. (((hugs)))

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  3. So painful for all concerned. And I agree 100% with Loribeth's comment. Awful for you.

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  4. Hi Jen! I found your blog through resolution and was so thrilled to find someone who "understands" :) My husband and I had a similar experience in 2009, and when it came time to renew our profile the following summer I made the decision to take it down. It is an indescribably painful experience to feel like you "made that connection" like they say in training, and to feel like it is your child, only to have it taken away in every way. People tell me it's like miscarriage, only I feel with the LDS perspective it's worse as the child isn't mine at all, and never will be now - anyhew, drama bomb! Sorry for the downer blabbing. Ours was a girl too, thank you for sharing your story - all my other family and friends with infertility have been successful at adoption and I've felt like I'm the only one who is done trying. We have been considering childfree living lately too - I'm glad to find your blog and feel like you can be LDS and child free, what a novel idea :) Sending you lots of hugs! Can't wait to see more beautiful photos of yours!

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    1. Hi Risa,

      I'm so glad you found the blog! I am truly hoping to connect with other IF LDS women. Our friends have also all been successful at becoming parents; however, we just knew the time was right to be done. Best wishes to you as you decide what is best for the two of you.

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  5. Wow, "ours" was a girl too. Conceived in 2009, but born in 2010. We were the selected adoptive for 4 months. Then she suddenly selected a different couple. If we had adopted that baby, we could have been sealed on my husband's birthday.
    And to top it off, my nephew was born 2 days after that little girl. So we could have at least given my parents their first grandchild.

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    Replies
    1. Savannah - Welcome! I'm so sorry you had to experience similar heartache. Where are you in your journey?

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  6. I am so very sorry. We had an experience much like yours, except the woman was our niece. Your story brought tears to my eyes, because I know exactly how you felt. I just wanted to let you know I understand, and am so sorry this happened to you. It makes me mad that there are no laws to protect adoptive parents. It totally sets us up for being scammed, etc.

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    1. Wow! I can't imagine how much harder it would be with family and possibly seeing the baby at family functions. I'm so sorry you had to experience a failed adoption also. It is so painful. I really feel that this experience jaded us against all future opportunities. We were watching something on TV that was about adoption scams, and it just made DH angry, even though it has been four years.

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