An LDS perspective on moving from childless to childfree living.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

More Information

We decided to take a few months off from TX.  We went to an adoption orientation meeting at LDS Family Services.  I was bothered that the social worker doing the presentation was PG.  Really?  DH did not like the “advertising” aspect of adoption.  While we learned the basics and what to expect, we did not pursue adoption at that time.

A couple of months after that, my OB/GYN recommended Resolve.  I found them online and joined the BB there.  I now had people going through similar situations who could understand.  I shared my story and learned from these wonderful ladies that my follicles could be monitored to see if they were likely to contain an egg that was ready to be released.  Why hadn’t the RE mentioned this?  Maybe he did, and we just didn’t understand him.  I knew what we were asking for on our next IUI.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Next Steps

Back to my story.

Two months after our second IUI, we met with the same RE whose English was difficult to understand.  We wanted to learn more about IVF.  He did have pictures, charts, and syringes to aid in our understanding his explanation.  

You need to understand that I am a needle-phobe!  When I was a child, I would start crying in the house, because my mom said we were going to the doctor.  At the doctor they poke your finger and that hurt.  In high school health class, we were testing our blood type.  I tried to be strong, so I wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of my friends.  I couldn’t poke myself, so my friend did.  I ran the test and things went okay.  As soon as I stood up to go to my next class, I passed out!  I was so grateful my best friend was in that class with me!  Even as an adult, if I was told the doctor ordered blood tests, I would ask to lie down while it was done.  Helping DH through his TX for leukemia (giving shots, running IV’s, changing dressings), I did become better at handling the needles.  Easy when they are directed at someone else!

Anyway, after the meeting with the RE about IVF, I was pretty much freaked out!  Just the thought of giving myself shots made me sick.  DH was much more concerned about the side effects of all the hormones.  Having battled cancer himself, he did not want me to have to do the same sometime down the road.  We made the decision not to pursue IVF, but to be more closely monitored for IUI.

The doctor wanted me tested to make sure everything was okay.  He also wanted a SA done on DH.  I had a sonohysterography done.  Everything looked great!  DH’s SA proved what we already knew.  The chemo had killed everything, and the only sperm we had to work with were the frozen ones. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Mother's Day

Sunday was my first Mother's Day in the officially childfree group.  Because living childfree is still so new, I was still trying to protect myself.  I shopped early for my mom and MIL.  We did not go to church.  I was so grateful that not one person wished me a Happy Mother's Day.  Not the staff at the restaurant where my sister, her boyfriend, DH and I took my mom for brunch, not anyone in the family.  I guess I was grateful, because then I didn't have to respond.

I did share with my mom and SIL that our adoption file is now closed.  They were both understanding.  I was concerned my mom would be upset, because my brother and SIL and their four kids live out of state, so she doesn't have any grandchildren nearby.  She wasn't upset with me, just with my brother for not living closer.  My SIL said she could see how we would need to have an end to the emotional roller coaster.

While shopping for cards, I looked to see if there were any type of cards that would fit me.  The only one I found was for an aunt.  I have 14 nieces and nephews, and maybe someday, one of them will give me an aunt card for Mother's Day.

Monday, May 6, 2013

In the Beginning

After the leukemia and necessary chemo and radiation, we knew we were going to require assistance to have a baby.  The 11 vials of frozen sperm were being stored at the University of Utah, so we found an RE there and scheduled an appointment.  I was 36.  The doctor did not speak English very well.  I know he was trying to explain our options, but neither of us understood him.  We decided to start with IUI with one vial of sperm thawed.  I was given clomid and used an OPK to determine when I was ovulating and scheduled the IUI appointment.  

We were disappointed that the sperm did not survive well.  There ware about 3 million.  We went ahead, because the sperm from that one vial were thawed, and we did not want to waste them.  I felt great!  Over the course of the next two weeks, my breasts grew big and tender, and I was a little queasy.  I was convinced I was PG.  At the end of the 2WW, the PG test was negative.  How could that be?  I was so na├»ve to think that I would become PG on the first attempt.  

The next month was similar, only this time we had two vials of sperm thawed, thinking that if there were more sperm, a PG would be more likely.  It was worse!  Out of those two vials, there were less than 1 million sperm.  I never thought I was PG during this 2WW, and the PG test confirmed that.

What was wrong?  I am very type-A and driven.  I have been able to achieve anything I have set my mind to with hard work and perseverance.  Like Pamela Tsigdinos wrote in Silent Sorority, “Have I mentioned that I’m not accustomed to failure?  Not that I was any kind of super achiever, but I was raised to believe that hard work, perseverance and playing by the rules sooner or later paid off.”