An LDS perspective on moving from childless to childfree living.

Friday, December 27, 2013

First Childfree Christmas

Every Christmas for the 17 years we have been married, we have not had children.  This is the first since we decided to close our adoption file and live childfree.  December 24-26 had highs and lows in relation to IF and CF living.

Christmas eve morning, DH went to play basketball with his childhood friend.  They have maintained this tradition since they were teenagers, and I was glad he could go.  I was able to wrap gifts and get ready for the day leisurely.  This was one of the highs.  No pressure, no kids to chase.  Just simple pleasures like tying the perfect ribbon and singing along to Christmas songs on the radio.

Christmas eve afternoon, DH and I watched our DVD of the 75th Rockettes Christmas Special.  We wanted to go see it in person, which we have never done, but watching the video was still enjoyable.  Another simple, uninterrupted pleasure.

Christmas eve night was the traditional dinner with DH's family.  He did not want to go due to a conference call with his sisters on Monday about planning the dinner menu and discussing the family business.  When we arrived, I went to put my coat in the spare room since the coat closet was full.  On the bed was a box of diapers and a package of burp cloths.  My heart began to race.  I decided my niece, who has been married a year and a half, was pregnant, and one of my SIL's had brought those items for her.  I was running through my mind how I was going to control my emotions when she made the announcement.  Before my niece arrived, I was able to talk to her mom, my SIL.  I asked her point blank if my niece was PG.  She said no, that those items were for their cousin's daughter who did just have a baby.  Tears of relief came.  My SIL then said she doesn't think my niece wants to get PG for a few years, because she wants to complete her master's degree.  My SIL then told me she would call me as soon as she heard so I would be prepared for a big announcement.  While this whole scene had me in a panic for an hour or so, and was a low caused by my own mind, I truly appreciate my SIL being sensitive.

After dinner, I watched my nieces and nephews assemble a gingerbread house from a kit.  They were all laughing and enjoying themselves.  My youngest nephew, age 8, kept asking to look at my Santa App to see where he was and how close he was coming to us.  His enthusiasm was contagious. In the past, I would have been longing to have my own child wondering about Santa and making a gingerbread house.  For the first time, I felt a high and enjoyed watching.

DH and I came home and watched "The Light Before Christmas".  We enjoyed the beauty of our Christmas tree with the fire and the quiet.  Another high.

Christmas morning we exchanged our gifts.  DH is a great shopper!  After that, we went to my mom's for Christmas breakfast, my family tradition.  It was only us, my mom, and my uncle who were there.  Both of them were very relaxed, and we heard some tales from their younger days that I had not heard before.  The conversation, however, would not have been suitable for children.  We enjoyed our time with them having an adult breakfast.  Another high.  Neither of us have laughed that hard in a long time!

In the evening, we went to DH's mom's house.  She did not seem right.  We gave her gifts, and she seemed like she didn't know what a DVD was or what to do with it. One of my SIL's and her family came.  She was going to take her mom for dinner, and DH and I were going to come home for a quiet dinner together.  My SIL decided my MIL needed to go to the doctor, so she called her sister who works at the local hospital, and she took her in.  My MIL did have an infection, which was causing her to become confused.  We left on a low note and ate frozen pizza for dinner, because it was late.  This also caused me to wonder about our care in the future.

December 26, DH and I slept in and then "laid in" (awake, but in bed talking) until 10:00!  What a guilty pleasure!  We ran a few errands before deciding there were too many people out, and we just wanted to be home.  DH grilled the steaks we were going to have on Christmas, and we enjoyed our quiet dinner at home.

The lows were pretty low, but the highs of the last few days outweigh the lows.  I am pleased with our progress moving to CF living.  This wasn't the best Christmas ever, but it was not the worst either!

Thursday, December 19, 2013

I'm Glad That's Not Me

This morning was the school Christmas program.  There were tons of parents who came out to listen to their children sing!  Each grade level entered, sang from the stage, and then exited.  We started with Kindergarten and worked our way up to Sixth grade.  My mom came to support me.

I was involved with setting up the stage, lights, curtains, and playing the piano while students were walking on and off the stage.  I also accompanied Fourth grade and led Sixth grade, so I wasn't part of the audience.  My mom was.  When she was driving me home (I still cannot drive since my ACL surgery), she was talking about how rude and entitled the parents are.  How they would leave after their child had sung so there were not many parents left to hear the Sixth graders. 

My mom was annoyed by the parents with their tablets standing to take video and blocking the view of others.  She watched as one lady went to ask another to sit down so she could see.  This happened three times.  Then the lady approached the other after the program to tell her it was difficult to see with her standing in the way.  The first lady returned to near my mom and told her friend she "had the F-bomb" dropped on her.

Now, I understand a parent wanting to take a picture of their child or video of their performance, but being rude to others is completely uncalled for.  I hope I would have been a nice and respectful parent, but I will never know.  I'm just glad that I'm not like the rude woman who wouldn't sit down.

By the way, my Sixth graders were awesome! 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Christmas Concert

Every Christmas season, DH and I go to a Christmas concert.  We have seen the ones that come to Salt Lake regularly several times, so when we saw the Oak Ridge Boys Christmas Concert advertised, we decided that would be a good change.  I was a fan of the Oak Ridge Boys when I was a teenager, and I had a couple of their cassette tapes.  We don't have any of their Christmas albums, but thoroughly enjoyed the show.

They sang some of their hits, and I was particularly touched by "Thank God for Kids".  While I realize the song is about the joys of your own kids, I know I have many of those experiences as a teacher, because "the nearest thing to heaven is a child".  I was impressed with their openness about their Christianity and singing original Christmas songs about the reason for Christmas, the birth of Jesus Christ.

As a musician, I loved seeing and hearing Richard Sterban speak and sing with such a true bass tone.  It was amazing!

What an relaxing and joyful evening to spend with DH!

Friday, November 29, 2013

Giving Thanks

There are so many things to be thankful for right now.  As I have been recovering from ACL reconstruction surgery, I have had a lot of time to think about what I am thankful for.

10 Things I am Thankful for in 2013:
1.  A healthy, caring DH who is now 10 years post leukemia and has been a great nurse as I recover from surgery.
2.  Our beautiful dream home that we designed and built.
3.  My job teaching sixth grade still gives me joy seeing students learn and grow.
4.  My job as the local education association president which gives me opportunities to learn, grow, travel, and meet new people.
5.  My musical talents (playing piano and organ), which I was so scared to lose when I awoke from surgery to my right arm being completely numb.
6.  A nice, adult Thanksgiving dinner prepared by my DH and shared with my mom and uncle.
7.  Great friends who have called, visited, brought flowers, taken me to dinner, and showed concern for me.
8.  Technology that has allowed me to stay informed on what is happening with both jobs as well as help me to do some Christmas shopping from my home.
9.  Good doctors and physical therapists who are helping me recover and return to my full life.
10.  Temple blessings of being sealed to my DH for all eternity.

What are you thankful for?

Thursday, November 14, 2013

"Pity those who live without love"

I am a huge Harry Potter fan!  I re-read books 1-6 over the summer.  I have been working on "Deathly Hallows" since school started, but I haven't had much time to read. 

On Monday, I had ACL reconstruction surgery on my right knee, so I have had some time to finish "Deathly Hallows."  A line I had forgotten comes when Harry has gone to Voldemort in the Forbidden Forest and then goes to the next life where he talks to the deceased Dumbledore.  At this time, Dumbledore says, "Do not pity the dead, Harry.  Pity the living, and, above all, those who live without love."  This caused me to think about life on a couple of different levels.  I like how J.K. Rowling approached the topic of life after death.  Members of the LDS church believe in an afterlife.  I remember death being a concern for DH as he was battling leukemia.  While we don't know exactly what life after death will be like, I appreciate the treatment of the topic in "Deathly Hallows". 

The other part that hit me was about pitying those who live without love.  It is often when we experience difficulties that we find out how much we are loved.  While going through IF, and even the adoption process, we were pretty quiet about how difficult it was.  We didn't approach it as you would approach surgery to repair a torn ACL.  Very few people knew what we were going through.  It was a secret.  This prevented others from showing love to us through the very difficult seven years of TX and trying to adopt. 

So many people showed us love when DH had leukemia.  While ACL repair is not in the same ballpark as leukemia, several people have been able to share their love with me.  DH has been amazing!  He assists me with bathing, dressing, getting around the house, meals, medications, etc.  Serving me, DH has shown me his love.  Several friends have called and sent emails.  My mom and sister, both of whom have had their own surgeries in the last two months, have come to visit, and the ladies I work with sent flowers and said they miss me.

While some people may say that the love of your own children cannot be surpassed, I am grateful to have the love of a wonderful DH!  So many people do not have a strong, loving relationship with their spouse.  DH is my blessing of living with love.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Primary Program

Every fall, the children ages 3-11 present a program during Sacrament meeting of what they have learned throughout the year.  Each child has a speaking part and the group sings several songs.  DH and I have not gone to church for the Primary Program for several years.  We were there this year.  It was not easy to see these cute little kids stand up to the microphone and state something they have learned.  My heart longed to watch my own child do this, the child I will not have.  The looks on the faces of the parents and grandparents, so proud, is a feeling I wish to have.

The bishop stopped me afterward and said he recognized how difficult it was for us to be at church for the program.  He complimented us for being there.  He is aware of our situation and has been quite supportive. 

This is another one of those events that happens each year at Church that will be a reminder for the rest of our lives that we are not parents.  I hope it will become easier over time.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Gratitude versus Jealousy

I have been so busy with running a local school bond campaign, helping my mom who had knee replacement surgery, and doing my own physical therapy for a torn ACL, that I haven't had time to write.

Last week, I read an Ensign article about missionary work that had a section that titled "Gratitude Counteracts Jealousy" that could be applied to infertility.  Several quotes in the article made me think.  "I found myself being excited for other [infertile women] when they had success instead of being jealous."  "I learned that gratitude is the antidote to comparing ourselves to others."  "I also learned that while it is the Lord's pattern to give us righteous examples to emulate and follow, it is Satan's counterfeit to tempt us to compare ourselves with them in order to determine our worth or success."  "I did not need to be jealous because my fellow [infertile women] appeared to be having more success."

I realized that this is part of the paradigm shift from "childless" to "childfree" that we are working on.  I decided to consciously take moments of jealousy and find something to be grateful in those moments. 

Thursday and Friday was our state education convention.  Parents were invited to bring their children.  I saw a lot of families there.  When I had that tug on my heart that I don't have children, I felt grateful that I could go to the sessions I wanted to attend without having to worry about pushing a stroller and pacifying a child.  Yesterday, we went to the mall shopping for clothes for DH's birthday.  I saw a very PG lady sitting outside the dressing room waiting for someone while I was waiting for DH.  Again, I had that tug on my heart, but then I thought I could be grateful I am healthy.  I went to do my mom's laundry, since her laundry room is in the basement, and she can't walk stairs.  I took a moment to be grateful that I had the time to help her without worrying about what my children were doing.

This is an ongoing process, learning to be grateful instead of jealous.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Growing Old

My mom had total knee replacement surgery last Monday.  On Thursday, she was moved to a rehabilitation center that had been recommended to her by a friend; however, she had not visited it before hand.  Two hours after she arrived, she called me and told me she wanted to go home!  I asked what was wrong, and she just said she had a bad feeling there.  I went there that evening, and there were some problems:  light bulbs out, no TV remote, a filthy bathroom, no walker, unresponsive staff (not coming for longer than 5 minutes after pushing the call button), a very loud oxygen machine, and having had my mom sign a bunch of papers she was not coherent enough to understand.

I went to work advocating for her.  I did not leave that night until the bathroom was cleaned, and she had a way to walk to the bathroom and a TV remote.  My sister went on Friday morning and made arrangements to have her moved to another facility that my sister had visited.  My sister later made the comment to me that mom would be fine, but what about all the people in the first facility who did not have people to advocate for them and their care.

While who will care for me in old age does not run through my mind on a regular basis, when something like this happens, I do wonder, who will be there to advocate for me?

Saturday, September 21, 2013

I'm not a Mom

"I'm not a mom."  This phrase came out of my mouth last week.  I was at physical therapy (stupid story - tore my ACL when I fell while working in my vegetable garden) and was talking to another lady there about her knee replacement.  She teaches at the middle school where my sixth graders go when they leave me, so we talked for a bit about that.

At my next PT session, the PT was asking about teaching and how I could be at PT at 8:00 in the morning.  I explained that I teach two days a week and work as the local association president two days a week, so I have a bit more flexibility on association days.  She said, "That must be great as a mom."  That is when I said it, without apologies or explanations.  "I'm not a mom."  The PT apologized and said she thought I was a mom, because she had previously heard me say I send my kids to the middle school teacher.  I told her that teachers often refer to their students as "their kids".

I had a slight pang in my chest that I am not a mom, but I didn't feel the need to explain our situation.  This is a huge step for me!

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Multiply and Replenish the Earth


My youngest cousin got married on Friday in the Salt Lake Temple.  She was radiant and her new DH was so excited!  The exterior and interior of the temple are so beautiful and the spirit that is there is peaceful.  I am honored to hold a temple recommend so I can attend the temple, especially for weddings, which are called sealings in the temple.  The ceremony is simple and powerful!  The LDS Church believes we can be sealed to our families into the eternities, and that is expressed in the sealing ceremony.

The words "multiply and replenish the earth" are also in the ceremony.  This was a commandment given to Adam and Eve as recorded in scriptures Genesis 1:28 and Moses 2:28.  The LDS Church believes this commandment remains in force today, as described in "The Family:  A Proclamation to the World."  My DH and I are not able to live this commandment.  This is where I have some guilt about not trying to have children earlier in our marriage, before DH got leukemia. 

There are so few couples who remain active in Church who cannot have children.  I'm sure the guilt about their inability to "multiply and replenish the earth" has something to do with their becoming less active.  Because there are so few couples who have been married 10+ years without children, it is hard to find a place within the Church. 

Many people at Church compare a childless situation with that of those who have never married.  While I can understand the sadness in not being married, the Church has singles wards and activities for those who are not married.  Occasionally there is an article in the Ensign about infertility, but those stories seem to always end with parenthood.

The best reminder that came out of attending my cousin's sealing was the fact that a family is created when we are married.  You do not have to be parents to have a family!  This was what I held to so tightly when DH was sick, knowing that we are sealed for eternity made his leukemia trial bearable.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Last of the Adoption Journey

After our failed adoption, we broadened our outreach.  We added ParentProfiles, sent links to our online profiles to family and friends, and just let everyone know we were looking to adopt.  We had pretty steady interest through ParentProfiles, about one solid lead a month for 18 months, then the contacts stopped.  We had not leads through LDS Family Services in the four years we were approved.  When three months had passed since we had a lead through ParentProfiles, I started looking at the search capabilities that might be leaving us out.  It isn't a specific search, but once I hit 40 years old, prospective BPs were not contacting us any more.  I don't have evidence, just that nobody wanted to talk to us when both of us showed 40 in the age box on the About Us page.

So that is really where we ended.  We maintained our ParentProfiles account until we closed our adoption file, and we had no contacts through that site for the last two years we were on.

Making the decision to live CF was not easy, and it came over time.  We had been discussing it for about six months before really ending our journey to become parents.  All I know it that now there is a sense of peace surrounding our choice, a peace that hadn't been there for quite some time prior.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

It's a Girl!

More about our journey.

About a week after our adoption approval, my SIL called to talk to DH.  Our BIL is bishop of his ward and had a member of the ward come to him about an employee he had whose girlfriend was PG, and they were looking to place the baby for adoption.  The member wanted my BIL to help connect them with LDS Family Services.  Instead, they called us to ask if we were interested.

Over the next couple of weeks, we went back and forth through my BIL, but that became cumbersome, so the member, who was also an attorney, started talking directly to us.  The couple, A and C, were expecting a baby girl the end of July.  They actually did talk to LDS Family Services, but did not sign up with them.  We started contact via email with A and C.  We decided to meet at a public library.

The meeting went very well, and while they were quite different from us, they seemed ready to proceed.  C let me feel the baby move, which I hadn't done for years and have not done since.  As we were walking out together, A told DH that they wanted $5,000 for the baby.  DH said he would look into it.  As we left, DH commented that he felt C was carrying our baby.  We had been told this happens when we went to the adoption training classes, and we didn't believe it!  Now we felt it, and we understood.

We asked questions of our SW and then retained an attorney who specializes in family law with an emphasis on adoption.  He drew up preliminary paperwork and he worked with A and C's attorney, A's boss, on our paying for living expenses.  We paid rent, utilities, and groceries for May and June.  I was able to attend a couple of doctor appointments with C and heard the baby's heartbeat.  We talked about the types of activities C had been involved in and what she would like for her baby girl.

DH's family knew about the match since we found A and C through our BIL.  I told my mom the end of June, and she and I went to register at Babies R Us.  This was the only time my mom has been able to do that since my brother lives out of state.  We looked at everything, and I did purchase a stroller/car seat combination.  I knew we would need a car seat to bring the baby home, and everything else we could buy at the last minute.

We had previously scheduled a vacation for the last week of July.  Now that we had a baby due July 30, we changed the vacation to the first week of July.  A and C knew where we were going, had our cell phone numbers, and they were going to call if C went into labor while we were gone, and we would come home immediately.  We were about a 6-hour drive away.

After we returned from vacation, A and C quit answering phone calls, text messages, or emails from us, our attorney, or their attorney.  A did not show up to work.  Our attorney called their attorney.  He hadn't heard anything.  On July 20, our attorney called to say their attorney saw on FB that C had the baby July 17 and it looked like they were going to parent.  We were devastated!  A called us on the baby's due date, July 30, to tell us that C had decided to keep the baby, he wasn't happy about it, and they had been fighting over it. 

The next thing we knew, they had moved to another state to live with A's mom, taking with them the baby we felt was ours.  DH and I have talked a lot about this and feel that this experience jaded our future attempts to find an adoption match.  To this day, DH believes they left with our baby.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Glacier National Park

 I know it has been a while since I have posted.  We spent a week in Montana visiting Glacier National Park.  It was amazing!  We were able to drive Going-to-the-Sun Road twice, the second time in the evening, which made everything look different due to the light.  We saw a bear and a heard of big horn sheep.  We looked for mountain goats, but never saw one; however, I let my inner child out and purchased a stuffed goat!

We went for a few short hikes from the main locations.  It was just so beautiful and majestic!  If you haven't been to Glacier, I would highly recommend it.

 Wildflowers with Heaven's Peak

As we move to living childfree, I am trying to recognize the benefits of not having children in the things we do.  For this vacation, we did not have to worry about being somewhere to eat at a particular time, nor did have to worry about being to the motel to go to bed.  We were able to just do what we wanted to do and not have to meet the needs of children.  I don't want this to sound selfish, just that we appreciate the benefit of traveling childfree.
Glacier-made Canyon

We were able to switch up our plans a little bit and visit some other towns where there is great fly fishing nearby.  DH is a fly fisherman, and I am the photographer/videographer.  While I don't consider myself great at either, occassionally I will capture a scene just right!

Many Glacier Lodge and Lake

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Back to My Story

I really wanted to start this blog with my story, but topics on living childfree have been coming up to interrupt.

After we were not approved to adopt and my former student chose another family, we went back to IUIs.  We had two months where I did not respond well and did our final IUI in January 2009.  We used the last four vials of DH's frozen sperm.  I had two great follicles and my estrodiol level was excellent!  It was, of course, a BFN. 

At this point our discussions about children changed.  We knew we would not have a child who was biologically related to us.  We talked about using donor sperm; however, that is discouraged by the LDS Church. "21.4.3 - Artificial Insemination - The Church strongly discourages artificial insemination using semen from anyone but the husband.  However, this is a personal matter that ultimately must be left to the judgment of the husband and wife.  Responsibility for the decision rests solely upon them."  DH did not want a child who was biologically related to me but not to him.  He preferred having a child who was not biologically related to either of us.

So, we went back to adoption.  We felt this was the only way we were going to become parents.  We reopened our adoption file with our same SW.  He asked what had changed over the previous year.  We explained we had used our resources and knew we could not have biological children, and DH was now five years post BMT, so his health should not be in question any longer.  

We were approved to adopt through LDS Family Services on May 5, 2009!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Answering THE Question

I spent the last week in Atlanta for work.  There were about 100 people from Utah who attended, most of whom I do not know well.  I usually only see them at monthly meetings.  There were times when we were riding the bus from the hotel to the conference center, eating dinner, or walking from place to place when we had time to talk.  Three times during the week I was asked THE question, "Do you have children?"  I know the people who asked were just making conversation and trying to get to know me better.

In the past, I have felt ashamed of my answer, that we couldn't have children.  This is the first time since we closed our adoption file that I have been asked THE question.  It was easier to answer THE question since we made decision to live childfree.  I was able to answer THE question calmly and without emotion. 

All of the people who asked were kind in their responses.  These experiences gave me the confidence to know I can answer THE question without crying!  This is a huge step for me as we move to childfree living.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

"Parents' Votes Should Weigh More"

I am president of my local education association (union).  I was at a local school board meeting last night where the board was presenting the results of a survey of patrons about how to handle projected enrollment growth for the next 10 years.  Of the nearly 8000 responses, about 1700 came from people without children in the system.  This included those with preschool children, those whose children are grown, and those like us who are childfree.

At one point, options like portable classrooms, year-round schools, pocket busing, and double sessions were addressed.  One woman in the audience said that on these topics, "Parents' votes should weigh more".  Basically she was saying that those of us without children in the system probably chose the worst option because whatever the board decided wouldn't impact us. 

Her statement made me angry.  I'm sure those who have young children thought about what they would want for their children in the future, those with grown children voted based on raising their children, and those who are childfree thought about our experiences in school, as my DH did, or how it would impact me as a teacher.  Just because we don't have children doesn't mean we can't have a logical opinion on a decision that would impact children.  Very frustrating!

Friday, June 21, 2013

In the Meantime

Returning to my story.

I am a sixth grade teacher.  I love my job!  I am fortunate to stay in contact with some students, watch them grow, graduate, and go on to college.  I have received high school and college graduation announcements and have been to a few weddings for former students.  
In the midst of our IUIs, I emailed a former student, M, I had been in contact with over the years, but from whom I hadn’t heard anything for a few months.  I asked her how her senior year of high school was going and if she was still on the drill team.  M emailed back that she was four months PG and planning to place the baby for adoption.  I immediately saw possibilities.  I emailed her back and told her we had been investigating adoption.  I called her mom to see how firm in her decision her mom thought she was.  Her mom said she didn’t know at this point, but M was leaning toward placing.

M asked me to tutor her for the math portion of the high school graduation test.  I agreed.  I saw her PG.  We worked through the math and talked about the baby.  She said she would consider us as possible parents.  I thought the situation was perfect.  DH had concerns, because we had a teacher/student relationship and ongoing friendship.

We returned to LDS Family Services to apply.  We worked on the paperwork and attended the classes.  We had our friends and bishop write letters of recommendation.  We went through couple and individual interviews.  The SW came to our home.  In the end, the SW had some concerns about our ages (36 and 37), my lack of relationship with my dad who left when I was six, and that DH was only 3 ½ years post bone marrow transplant.  

M eventually chose another couple.  She told me it was because she is Baptist and did not want her baby raised Mormon.  If she had wanted us to raise her baby, I would have pushed the SW to approve us.  Nevertheless, we went through the entire adoption process only to not be approved.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Father's Day

Father's Day is different for us than Mother's Day.  We have no fathers to celebrate.  DH's dad passed away in 2005, and both of his grandfather's had died before we ever met.  My grandpa passed in 2008, and since my parents are divorced, my dad hasn't been part of my life for over 30 years.  We had a quiet day, sleeping in, and visiting DH's mom.  We still didn't go to church.  It wasn't as difficult as Mother's Day, because Father's Day has been hard for years for other reasons.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

More IUIs

A couple of months later, we started with IUIs again.  I was on Clomid, my follicles were monitored, I used an OPK, and at the right moment, DH gave me the Ovidrel shot.  The first month I didn’t respond, so we waited and I took more Clomid.  The next month things looked  great:  two beautiful follicles and 3.4 million good sperm, but still a BFN.  The next month things looked even better:  five good follicles and 3.5 million good sperm, with another BFN.  Two months later, with two awesome follicles and 5.2 million sperm, I was sure that was our month, but it was not.
We decide to take a break for a few months, because I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

More Information

We decided to take a few months off from TX.  We went to an adoption orientation meeting at LDS Family Services.  I was bothered that the social worker doing the presentation was PG.  Really?  DH did not like the “advertising” aspect of adoption.  While we learned the basics and what to expect, we did not pursue adoption at that time.

A couple of months after that, my OB/GYN recommended Resolve.  I found them online and joined the BB there.  I now had people going through similar situations who could understand.  I shared my story and learned from these wonderful ladies that my follicles could be monitored to see if they were likely to contain an egg that was ready to be released.  Why hadn’t the RE mentioned this?  Maybe he did, and we just didn’t understand him.  I knew what we were asking for on our next IUI.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Next Steps

Back to my story.

Two months after our second IUI, we met with the same RE whose English was difficult to understand.  We wanted to learn more about IVF.  He did have pictures, charts, and syringes to aid in our understanding his explanation.  

You need to understand that I am a needle-phobe!  When I was a child, I would start crying in the house, because my mom said we were going to the doctor.  At the doctor they poke your finger and that hurt.  In high school health class, we were testing our blood type.  I tried to be strong, so I wouldn’t be embarrassed in front of my friends.  I couldn’t poke myself, so my friend did.  I ran the test and things went okay.  As soon as I stood up to go to my next class, I passed out!  I was so grateful my best friend was in that class with me!  Even as an adult, if I was told the doctor ordered blood tests, I would ask to lie down while it was done.  Helping DH through his TX for leukemia (giving shots, running IV’s, changing dressings), I did become better at handling the needles.  Easy when they are directed at someone else!

Anyway, after the meeting with the RE about IVF, I was pretty much freaked out!  Just the thought of giving myself shots made me sick.  DH was much more concerned about the side effects of all the hormones.  Having battled cancer himself, he did not want me to have to do the same sometime down the road.  We made the decision not to pursue IVF, but to be more closely monitored for IUI.

The doctor wanted me tested to make sure everything was okay.  He also wanted a SA done on DH.  I had a sonohysterography done.  Everything looked great!  DH’s SA proved what we already knew.  The chemo had killed everything, and the only sperm we had to work with were the frozen ones.